Christmas Stats

Sadly 'The Xmas Factor' idea - see 24 Nov post - had to be shelved; X Factor marketing not happy. So an alternative set of radio scripts for local Harrogate station Stray FM. Smith & Jones style, but using male and female voices. Revised 11/12 - as recorded.

1. Wrapping paper

A: Here, listen to this.

B: What's that then?

A: Guess how much wrapping paper we use in this country at Christmas?

B: No idea.

A: Eighty three SQUARE KILOMETRES. Apparently that’s enough to cover Scunthorpe four and a half times.

B: Blimey, I wonder if someone’s tried it.

A: Dunno. So why do people buy so much of the stuff?

B: Well it makes things look nicer don’t it, covers up the bad bits. Like Noel Edmonds' face on the cover of that new book of his.

A: S’ppose. But do you ever think under all this wrapping paper, we’re losing the true meaning of Christmas?

B: You mean the plot of the Doctor Who special?

A: No.

B: Birth of Santa?

A: Birth of JESUS silly.

B: Oh. Is that what it’s all about then?


2. Turkey

A: Here, listen to this.

B: What's that then?

A: Have you any idea how many turkeys this country eats at Christmas?

B: Not a clue. The missus gets through about five.

A: Well I’ll tell you. THIRTY MILLION.

B: Blimey, that’s enough to fill a small country. Gotta be a name for it.

A: Whatever - it’s a lot of birds.

B: Even more than your brother’s been out with.

A: Button it. Tell me though, what’s turkey got to do with the real meaning of Christmas?

B: You mean snow and Santa and that?

A: No, I mean the baby Jesus. There was shepherds, camels, maybe a donkey or two, but nothing about turkey - let alone Christmas pud.

B: Blimey, I hadn't thought of that. (pause) Mind you, I'm not sure Christmas has any meaning without Christmas pud.


3. Christmas cards

A: Here, listen to this.

B: What's that then?

A: How many Christmas cards do you think get sent in this country each year?

B: No idea. I never get any.

A: Well I’ll tell you: One point seven BILLION.

B: That’s an awful lot of penguins on skis. Oh well, plenty to go round at least. That, or someone's got a ruddy big mantelpiece.

A: Add to that all the e-cards and you’re talking silly numbers.

B: Yeah. Though I never thought of one point seven billion as a SENSIBLE number.

A: What I want to know is, with all these cards flying about, does anyone remember what it’s supposed to be all about?

B: You mean mince pies?

A: No.

B: Kittens in santa hats?

A: No, I mean the baby Jesus. And, you know, shepherds, angels, wise men and all that.

B: Oh. Wouldn't they look a bit funny in Santa hats?


4. Christmas trees

A: Here, listen to this.

B: What's that then?

A: D’you know how many Christmas trees we’ll put up this year?

B: Go on. Amaze me.

A: EIGHT MILLION.

B: Blimey, that’s a heck of a lot of paper going to waste.

A: And guess how much rubbish all those trees’ll make. TWELVE THOUSAND tons.

B: That's even more than you've got hidden under the bed. Mind you, it's the needles on the carpet’s what bothers me. Dreadful mess.

A: Yeah. D’you wanna know why we put Christmas trees up though?

B: No idea.

A: Well cos it’s evergreen, it's a reminder of the coming spring. Also, says here, it’s a sign of everlasting life with God.

B: Oh right. I’ll tell you what I wish had everlasting life. My vacuum cleaner.


5. Santa

A: Here, listen to this.

B: What's that then?

A: I’ve been reading some statistics about Santa getting round to see all those kids at Christmas.

B: Oh yeah?

A: Yeah. To give a medium sized lego set to every kid, he’d have to travel – wait for it – seventy five and a half million miles, going at six hundred and fifty miles a second, and pulling a sleigh of three hundred and fifty three thousand, four hundred and thirty tons. That’s four times as heavy as the Queen Elizabeth the Second.

B: She's put on some weight then.

A: The ship stupid.

B: Oh right. Anyway, sounds a liability. He must have ruddy good travel insurance.

A: Yeah.

B: But what’s this got to do with the real meaning of Christmas? You know, the baby Jesus and that.

A: Well, didn’t he come down to earth from heaven or something? That sounds like an awful long way.

B: Yeah. Mind you, I bet he didn’t have to bother about reindeer.


6. Cost

A: Here, listen to this.

B: What's that then?

A: D’you know how much the average household spends for Christmas Day? Nine hundred and twenty quid.

B: That’d buy you a few mince pies eh?

A: Yeah. Works out at one pound twenty eight p a minute.

B: That‘s almost as much as Jonathan Ross makes. When he’s employed.

A: Isn’t it a bit odd though that people spend so much money, when you think what Christmas is supposed to be all about?

B: What, you mean a new ipod?

A: No.

B: New boyfriend?

A: The baby Jesus stupid. God’s free gift to mankind.

B: Free gift to mankind? Blimey.

A: Amazing eh?

B: Yeah. (pause) I just hope it didn't take up too much wrapping paper.

What kind of G(g)od?

I just caught a bit of 'Cataclysm' there, the C4 series about the genesis of earth and life on it, interestingly presented by Tony Robinson, who last time I checked was a man who besides a talent for playing Baldrick had a religious, dare I say it Cn faith. But that's an aside. A couple of Bob's images that have stuck in my mind of late, to capture a sense of the fulfilment and 'living life in its fulness' that the Christian way offers (not wishing to sound exclusive), are of the fish made to swim in the river and the 'upswelling desire' for 'God'... I'm acutely aware of a key difference in the way I think of God and how atheist fellow passengers view God, god, yahweh,... It's to do with the size and texture of the conception we entertain. About who or what we worship. You see, I have every sympathy with the atheist's exultation of a developed morality, high regard for the power of reason etc. And I'm curious why I as a 'believer' I don't stop there but choose to have faith in 'The LORD'. As I see it, the atheist's view of God is commonly a very small one, a conception which I myself couldn't possibly hold to with any sanity or dignity. 'A cruel local storm god', 'a petty deity', these are some of the kind of phrases I've come across. Like a little statue on a mantelpiece. Who indeed wd want to be devoted to such a being? But the God I commit to, not without my own doubts and questions, is both as big and as small as can be conceived: the ground of the universe or multiverse, yet embodied in the delicacy and vulnerability of a new born babe - to offer a momentary reflection on the import of my last post's sketches in amidst the cartoon humour. So one task in 'bridging the gap' here is how to convey this view of the Godhead as awesome, beautiful, tender etc as the heart of Cn theology holds he is, rather than this contemptible tinpot deity that atheist friends hold up for ridicule.
I wish I cd go on, I wish I cd go back and answer some qs, but I have buses to book, bills to sort, recycling to take out, tidying to do... but if a discussion is sparked, all well and good, and I'll be back next time.

The Xmas Factor

Latest scripts for a set of radio thoughts to be hopefully played on a Yorkshire FM station shortly before Christmas - for a popular audience remember. We've even found a good Simon Cowell voice over...

1. SHEPHERDS
Dermot O’Leary (DO): Welcome to The Xmas Factor, where this week we're in Bethlehem.

SC: Whoa, whoa, hang on. Guys, what are you WEARING? Dressing gowns, tea towels on your heads? It's just RIDICULOUS. I mean CRAZY bad.

Shepherd: But we’re shepherds.

SC: So what on earth makes you think you're gonna make it here? I'm sorry guys, the image is ALL WRONG. I just don’t think you’re right for the show. You need to go away and think about what you really wanna do.

S: We wanna find the baby Jesus.

SC: Good luck to you guys. (to judges) What is it about Bethlehem just now that’s attracting all the nutters?

FX: sheep baa sound


2. WISE MEN:
Dermot O’Leary (DO): Welcome back to The Xmas Factor, where this week we're in Bethlehem.

SC: Guys, I thought those shepherds were bad, but what's going on HERE? Turbans, camels, it's just SO over the top. You're like something out of the Arabian Nights.

LW: He’s just jealous guys, don’t listen to him.

SC: (sarcastic) Thank you Louis. Anyway I hear there’s a rising star among you. What do you call yourselves?

3 KINGS (who are girls): The Three Kings

SC: Three kings? Right, er, guys. Ok, let’s see what you’ve got.

KING 1: Gold.
KING 2: Frankincense,
KING 3: Myrrh.

SC: Hold on, hold on. Gold, frankincense and myrrh? Guys, girls, whatever you are, it's a singing competition. That's SING, not BLING.

(aside to judges) What is it about Bethlehem just now that’s attracting all these weird people?

FX camel sound?


3. MARY & JOSEPH
Dermot O’Leary (DO): Welcome back to The Xmas Factor, where this week we're in Bethlehem. It’s been a disappointing day, and the mood among the punters is gloomy. One couple feeling the strain more than most is hubbie and wife team Mary and Joseph. All her life Mary’s harboured a dream, and she really believes this could be her moment. It hasn't been easy though, and with rumours of an angelic visitation, a baby on the way and no clear indication who the dad is, she's had her fair share of stick - not to mention a few doors slammed in her face. But Jo's stuck by her, and with so much at stake we're all hoping and praying they can produce something really special tonight.

SC: The thing about this show is, we really have NO IDEA who's gonna step through those doors next.


4. JESUS
Dermot O’Leary (DO): Welcome back to The Xmas Factor, where this week we're in Bethlehem.

SC: Ok guys, before he comes in, I’ve gotta be honest with you, on paper this Jesus doesn’t look very promising. Don’t even know who his dad is - turned down by every major inn in Bethlehem - and born in a STABLE for goodness sake. I mean it’s just a FIASCO. In fact I think we need to decide now. Yes or no?

LW: I dunno. I think we should give him a chance. You might be missing something here.

SC: Oh come on, don’t be ridiculous.

FX baby cries

SC: Um, how old is this Jesus by the way?


5. JUDGES DISCUSS JESUS
Dermot O’Leary (DO): Welcome back to The Xmas Factor. And with proceedings in Bethlehem drawing to a close, there’s one person the judges can’t stop talking about.

SC: What is it with this Jesus kid? It’s just unprecedented. This show's supposed to be about turning nobodies into stars, but here we've got someone going from being a STAR to a NOBODY. From King of the universe to a baby in a manger. I mean it's just CRAZY.

LW: I know. It could really jeopardise the brand. Whatdaya think's gonna happen?

SC: God alone knows. All I can say is, all bets are off for the Christmas number one.


6. HEROD & JESUS
Dermot O’Leary (DO): Welcome back to The Xmas Factor - the grand final in Bethlehem. And with King Herod and baby Jesus going head to head, it’s very hard to call. Let’s hear from the judges.

SC: Well Herod, I’ve gotta say, you pulled out all the stops there and that was just FANTASTIC. (cheers and whoops). You’ve got the fan base, the will to win, the killer instinct - I really think you’ve got what it takes to go all the way.

Baby Jesus on the other hand, I just think at this stage of the competition you're looking very vulnerable. It's a cut throat business and I'm really not sure you're gonna make it.

L: I disagree, I think the kid’s got something. Anyway, it’s out of our hands. It's gonna go to a public vote.

SC: OK. We’ll just have to see what THEY make of this Jesus then.

What scope the grace of God?

Some of the thoughts that have been 'running in my head' (a catchy number one hit from 2003 as I recall)... I've been thinking quite a lot lately about how Christian truth - assuming here you believe in it - can be thought through and applied to real life and people in a way that fully expresses the highest, most expansive and generous view of God's grace, and takes full account of the richness and sheer complicatedness of human experience. The simple evangelical line recites that you need to believe in Jesus and that he died for your sins to be saved. Say the sinner's prayer. This may suit a particular person at a particular moment in life in a cosy church environment, but how can the idea that this man Jesus died for the sins of the world be meaningfully communicated and made relevant to the vast tide of humanity living out the brief candle of their lives without meaningful absorption of the message. JC described the kingdom of God as like a mustard seed or drop of yeast that gradually grows, or permeates the world. So in secular Britain say, what of the tens of thousands of ordinary decent secular folk who pay their taxes and watch Coronation Street but don't give God much thought and are felled yearly by the grim reaper, without having 'signed on the dotted line of a 'clear commitment to Christ'? (cheery one today!). I believe the grace and kingdom of God are more expansive and embracing than such a model implies... but how? In what way(s)? I'm just bit by bit flagging up some questions I'm interested to explore...

Prayer as the communion of friends

Some recent reflections. Today in church the interim vicar - standing in while we await the arrival of Bradford-famous Robin Gamble in December - was speaking on the John passage where Jesus disinguishes his friends, as opposed to servants, as those who were 'in the know' - those with whom he shared what he had learned from his Father in heaven. He also referred to a Genesis story whose drama and pathos make it one of the rugged mountain peaks of Old Testament narrative: Abraham, who was called a friend of God, pleading with the Almighty for the salvation of Sodom and Gomorrah for the sake of the possibility of just a few righteous people: fifty, then forty, right down to ten. The key message was that prayer - which can in God's goodness mean conversation between friends - has power to shape the future through as God, while remaining sovereign, chooses to allow His decisions and actions to be affected by the prayers of those with whom He is intimate.
An interesting contrast was drawn between this dynamic, fluid model of God's engagement with human beings, and the Muslim view presented more as prayer being about bringing one's life under the sway of the immutable will of Allah, above and beyond. To be continued...

The Big Jig

Greetings. In a bit of a break from deep musings, Glasgow friend Greg has asked me if I can publicise an exciting event coming up in October, a ceilidh featuring his legendary band The Jiggers. Friday 10th October, 7.30pm, Destiny Centre, Shawlands, Glasgow. No problem Greg.
The Big Jig and A promo by the Scottish Falsetto Sock Puppets. (it wasn't my idea)

Scripture - and students

One of the challenges I find is to retain what I have read, learned and perhaps meditated on in my devotional reading in the morning, so that it influences the rest of the day. For example, just now I’m reading through Psalm 19, especially vv 7-11 about the merits of the ‘law of the Lord’. I’m often most impacted most by scripture early morning, a little reflection helping me see the explosive impact of ‘familiar’ verses afresh eg v 8b ‘the commandment of the Lord is pure, enlightening the eyes’. A surprise; we tend to think of a command as burdensome, but it - presumably not just hearing but doing it - is actually described as enhancing your earthly and spiritual vision…
This afternoon I visited Bradford University ‘Freshers Fayre’ to chat with folk at the Christian Union stall with a view to attracting new folk into the soon to be re-launched ‘Whistling Frog Radio Group’. Struck - though of course hardly surprised - by the numbers of Asian and Muslim students. And by the range of religious stalls in the fair. It’s something my arrival in Bradford has made me think about more, particularly regarding the Muslim community. The religious and cultural fabric of the community is so strong, so entrenched. How does this make me feel as a Western Christian? What does it mean to be a Christian in relation to the Muslim community?
A few questions to begin to pursue. Hope to write this ol’ blog a bit more ‘little and often‘, it’s been a tad too occasional of late…

Olympic spot

Back after a bit of a break with a new radio script to get you talking (if anyone's still reading :))...

Commentator:

'And welcome to the blue riband event of these games: the race of life. It's Topbloke in lane 3, Smallfry in lane 5.

(starter gun) And Topbloke’s off to a blistering start in lane 3 with everything going for him, looks, talent, charisma. Picks up speed round the bend with the plush job and nice house. Smallfry meanwhile slow out of the blocks with self esteem issues, has a lot of catching up to do.

And Topbloke’s cleared the first hurdle superbly, conflict at work but his natural charm has carried him through. Smallfry struggling to keep up and really smacking those hurdles, problems on all fronts and looks to be right out of this.

Out of the bend and Topbloke is flying - promotion, bonuses, company car, and he accelerates down the back strait with the beautiful wife and four lovely kids. Smallfry still trailing badly.

Oh, but Topbloke’s slowing a bit as they enter the final bend, a spot of complacency creeping in - and he hasn't taken that hurdle well, bad row with the wife has knocked him for six.

And late in the day Smallfry is coming through as he starts to look for spiritual meaning in life, well what about this?

So it’s neck and neck down the home strait oh and Topbloke's clattered that last hurdle, lost his job, confidence, and nowhere to turn. And Smallfry has just discovered an incredible overwhelming love and is storming through and looks like he's gonna win this and it’s absolutely astonishing!...

Oh my goodness me, and with a rumour coming over the wires that he’s… found God, well, I just can’t wait for the interview.'

One Lord of Time?

Well this ol' blog has been a bit quiet of late, so here are my latest radio script offerings exploring some of the spiritual ideas suggested by Doctor Who, to be bedded in the famous music and hopefully playing soon. I voice them, having worked on my David Tennant...

1. Now one of the things about being the Doctor is that people are sometimes amazed how cocky I can be around some frankly very scary creatures. To be honest a lot of this is just bravado and down to the fact that I can tell better jokes than your average dalek (but don't tell them I said that). But you know what, these creatures I meet are frankly nothing compared to some of the things you humans have to put up with: rising house prices, threat of recession… Anne Robinson. Scarier than anything you could dress up in a green suit if you ask me. Still, from what I've heard you've also got the greatest being in the universe rooting for you. And you can actually get his help - just by. praying to him. Wouldn't mind a bit of that myself sometimes - even if I am a Timelord.

2. Now you might think that being a Timelord must get a bit lonely at times - you know, 902 years old, last of my kind and all that, keep having to get new companions. And I can't deny sometimes I feel it'd be nice to settle down, have a family, bit of stability, you know… instead of constantly flying across galaxies and circumnavigating the 42nd radial asteroid parabular (that was a nightmare). I have to say though, even I feel a bit put in the shade by the One you call the Son of God. I mean, to leave somewhere called HEAVEN – to come and live among you humans - no disrespect, but that makes time and space travel look like, well, flower arranging. The thing that’s a mystery - even to me – is frankly why he doesn’t get a bit more attention.

3. Now being the Doctor, I’m not going to pretend that one of the perks of the job isn’t the Tardis. I don’t care what kind of motor you’ve got, if you can say you get around in something called ‘Time and relative dimensions in space’, I know who the girls will want to talk to. Obviously what gets people is how something which looks so small and ordinary on the outside can be so big and, well, extraordinary on the inside. It does have its downsides – maintaining the thing’s a nightmare… but you know what, it’s not unlike some things you humans talk about – like ‘faith’, for instance. Looks very ordinary and unassuming on the outside – some people wonder if it’s even real, but when you actually try it for yourself, get inside it, start to live it - that’s a whole different ball game.

The Apprentice

Updated 21 May...

A radio script idea based on the popular reality show.

Overview: Sir Alan assesses 3 apparently successful characters and finds them wanting, and a 4th who's less 'successful' but wins out on the character stakes.

(Intro music).

Receptionist: Sir Alan is ready for you now.

Clara (under her breath): Sir Alan is, like, God.

(ticking clock)

Alan Sugar (AS): Morning all of you.

All contestants: Morning Sir Alan.

AS: Clara, how did you feel the task went today?

C: I were really pleased Sir Alan. People call me ‘the Rottweiler’, and today, I literally – I think that’s the right word – I literally bit the heads off three of me team mates.

AS: I bet they loved you for that. Michael, what have you got to say for yourself?

Michael: Sir Alan, I would do absolutely anything to get this job. I would walk over hot coals backwards. In a nightie.

AS: Note that down Margaret. How about you Lucy?

Lucy: To be honest Sir Alan, I thought it was really difficult. In fact I think I fluffed it.

(scornful sounds from the others)

AS: Not very promising. However, today I’m gonna give you a slightly different take on things. (music up) Clara. You make Attila the Hun look like Little Bo Peep. Do you ever stop to think about people’s feelings?

C: Sir Alan, it’s dog eat dog out there.

AS: Oh is that right? Michael, what would you do to help someone else get a foot on the ladder?

M: Well Sir Alan, I can’t say I’ve really thought about it…

AS: (cuts in) Not very convincing. Lucy, you at least looked out for people; I like that. Clara, Michael. You’re very good at making a shed load of money. But what good’s a six figure salary if you’ve got to screw someone over to get it? I hate to disappoint you Clara: I’m not God. But maybe the man upstairs knows a thing or two when it comes to what really matters…. Lucy?

L: Sir Alan?

AS: The task was a bit of a shambles. But you took the flak. You cheered up your team mate when she was in pieces. Bottom line: you cared about someone else more than yourself. Lucy… you’re hired.

(Music fades out).