Latest scripts for a set of radio thoughts to be hopefully played on a Yorkshire FM station shortly before Christmas - for a popular audience remember. We've even found a good Simon Cowell voice over...
1. SHEPHERDS
Dermot O’Leary (DO): Welcome to The Xmas Factor, where this week we're in Bethlehem.
SC: Whoa, whoa, hang on. Guys, what are you WEARING? Dressing gowns, tea towels on your heads? It's just RIDICULOUS. I mean CRAZY bad.
Shepherd: But we’re shepherds.
SC: So what on earth makes you think you're gonna make it here? I'm sorry guys, the image is ALL WRONG. I just don’t think you’re right for the show. You need to go away and think about what you really wanna do.
S: We wanna find the baby Jesus.
SC: Good luck to you guys. (to judges) What is it about Bethlehem just now that’s attracting all the nutters?
FX: sheep baa sound
2. WISE MEN:
Dermot O’Leary (DO): Welcome back to The Xmas Factor, where this week we're in Bethlehem.
SC: Guys, I thought those shepherds were bad, but what's going on HERE? Turbans, camels, it's just SO over the top. You're like something out of the Arabian Nights.
LW: He’s just jealous guys, don’t listen to him.
SC: (sarcastic) Thank you Louis. Anyway I hear there’s a rising star among you. What do you call yourselves?
3 KINGS (who are girls): The Three Kings
SC: Three kings? Right, er, guys. Ok, let’s see what you’ve got.
KING 1: Gold.
KING 2: Frankincense,
KING 3: Myrrh.
SC: Hold on, hold on. Gold, frankincense and myrrh? Guys, girls, whatever you are, it's a singing competition. That's SING, not BLING.
(aside to judges) What is it about Bethlehem just now that’s attracting all these weird people?
FX camel sound?
3. MARY & JOSEPH
Dermot O’Leary (DO): Welcome back to The Xmas Factor, where this week we're in Bethlehem. It’s been a disappointing day, and the mood among the punters is gloomy. One couple feeling the strain more than most is hubbie and wife team Mary and Joseph. All her life Mary’s harboured a dream, and she really believes this could be her moment. It hasn't been easy though, and with rumours of an angelic visitation, a baby on the way and no clear indication who the dad is, she's had her fair share of stick - not to mention a few doors slammed in her face. But Jo's stuck by her, and with so much at stake we're all hoping and praying they can produce something really special tonight.
SC: The thing about this show is, we really have NO IDEA who's gonna step through those doors next.
4. JESUS
Dermot O’Leary (DO): Welcome back to The Xmas Factor, where this week we're in Bethlehem.
SC: Ok guys, before he comes in, I’ve gotta be honest with you, on paper this Jesus doesn’t look very promising. Don’t even know who his dad is - turned down by every major inn in Bethlehem - and born in a STABLE for goodness sake. I mean it’s just a FIASCO. In fact I think we need to decide now. Yes or no?
LW: I dunno. I think we should give him a chance. You might be missing something here.
SC: Oh come on, don’t be ridiculous.
FX baby cries
SC: Um, how old is this Jesus by the way?
5. JUDGES DISCUSS JESUS
Dermot O’Leary (DO): Welcome back to The Xmas Factor. And with proceedings in Bethlehem drawing to a close, there’s one person the judges can’t stop talking about.
SC: What is it with this Jesus kid? It’s just unprecedented. This show's supposed to be about turning nobodies into stars, but here we've got someone going from being a STAR to a NOBODY. From King of the universe to a baby in a manger. I mean it's just CRAZY.
LW: I know. It could really jeopardise the brand. Whatdaya think's gonna happen?
SC: God alone knows. All I can say is, all bets are off for the Christmas number one.
6. HEROD & JESUS
Dermot O’Leary (DO): Welcome back to The Xmas Factor - the grand final in Bethlehem. And with King Herod and baby Jesus going head to head, it’s very hard to call. Let’s hear from the judges.
SC: Well Herod, I’ve gotta say, you pulled out all the stops there and that was just FANTASTIC. (cheers and whoops). You’ve got the fan base, the will to win, the killer instinct - I really think you’ve got what it takes to go all the way.
Baby Jesus on the other hand, I just think at this stage of the competition you're looking very vulnerable. It's a cut throat business and I'm really not sure you're gonna make it.
L: I disagree, I think the kid’s got something. Anyway, it’s out of our hands. It's gonna go to a public vote.
SC: OK. We’ll just have to see what THEY make of this Jesus then.
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24 comments:
Bruce, is there nothing decent on the telly in Bradford? :-)
Why did God choose to be born a baby? What did He expect to learn in His first 30 years on Earth? And didn't God know what would be the result with a jealous King killing all the babies boys under the age of two? Sick, sick man.
Oh, and shepherds out in the field in December? In Winter? Are they mad?
And did I miss the bit where it said 3 kings in the bible?
Christmas? A great pagan festival hijacked by the Christians...
Actually - I thought this was rather funny.
MERRY CHRISTMAS… Oops, too early.
Lee
Actually Lee, it is now generally accepted (outside fundie circles) that bethlehem would have had at most 6 children of that age, and maybe as few as 2, christians tend to overplay it (although still a nasty deed). Another problem arises when we compare Matt and Luke - they have mutually exclusive dates for the birth of Jesus. Luke dates it to after the death of Herod, which is a direct contradiction of Matthew, meaning if luke was true, there was no slaughter. There are also problems with the kings too - I'll blog on that soon.
Only 6 children? Where do you get these numbers?
Makes the story a little silly doesn't it...
Only 6 children? Where do you get these numbers?
It's based on archaeological observations. You can get an idea of the area of a town at a particular time and also population numbers form things like house numbers and rubbish tips
billy,
The rubbish tips of 1st centuary palestine - you do get around - you're a legend man.
b.b.b.
I reckon there could be a business in selling early jesus memorabilia. I just found his rattle, action man lith leg missing (I believe he was practicing healing lepers on him) and scalextrix. Want to buy them?
STOP PRESS
I've now found his buckaroo and his "my little camel" (mermaid edition)
Yeah Bruce I would check with the x-factors publicity office - and Cowell in particular might not like to be cast in the role of the jesus bater.
I think when it comes to christmas most people relax about any religious debate - well most people. I sometimes wonder if in the west we suffer from sort of intellectual pathology. Why is it Hindus manage to host their festivals without worrying whether a flower literally grew out of Ganesh's belly - or whether it is merely symbolic. It would certainly make an interesting show of hands at the end of the carol service - asking which side of the argument people fell on. Maybe the next year symbolists could sit on one side of the church and literalists on the other ? Like in a wedding. Bride on One Side , Groom on the other.
I would need special seating arrangements - for those interested in undermining the argument - no on second thoughts I would be the wedding party trying to marry the ideas together - well me and who would be my bride ? Probably Rowan Williams...
Billy do you like a good carol ? I mean even Dawkins sings christmas carols - doesn't he ? But you never know - the days of religious tolerence might be soon over. One day we might get a heckler at our primary schools nativity , shouting loudly from the back : "Nazereth-didnt-exist-in jesus's-time - its-a-midrashic-interpolination-of an-unknown-author-desparate-to-correlate-his fictional-creation-jesus-with-the-apparently uncompromising-fabric-of-the-Septuagint." Such a bizarre scenario - That could almost make a play in itself...
Good luck with Simon Cowell....
Bob, that was almost monyt pythonesque - that would be funny to see. It does bring up the issue of whether we should force nativity plays on minds too young to think critically - I think all forms of religion should be kept out of school. It should only make an appearence in RE classes that teach religious beliefs as an academic subject - not dogma.
I dont know if Dakins sings christmas carols. I dont. I would feel uncomfortable singing about a cuddly god who thinks we are sinners. I dont see chrstmas as making a difference. I wouldn't sing paramilitary songs just because I am at a rangers match, and no reasonable person would expect me to either.
I am now curious as to whether you would sing the praises of a god you believe to be false.
Bruce,
I too would be cautious. I remember hearing the apprentice scripts on the radio, and if I was Alan Sugar, I might have had a problem with them.
PS, I can now offer you Jesus's first pair of NHS specs with the leg stuck on with elastoplast. Only 10 pairs remaining - hurry while stocks last
sorry billy,
Maybe i got lost in my own irony - what bit of god did I believe to be false ? As for gers songs - they tell me even "bouncy bouncy" has sectarian implications. Shame that I always quite liked that one - "the list of celtic fans favourite rangers songs" - that doesnt get published much does it ? Maybe at christmas.
What's with the specs ? Is that what the baby jesus used to wear in the 70's. I can barely remember my plays. I only did one I think - when I was about 6 - and I was Joseph. Didnt exactly bode well for my life - He wasnt really lucky with the ladies was he ? Mr Joseph.
what bit of god did I believe to be false ?
I was referring to a god that you consider a false one - like perhaps Gahnesh, not an aspect of god that you consider to be false.
I always wondered why joseph swallowed that story too :-)
I don't know on a god score Ganesh would come in at about 65% for me - I've quite a fondness for the old elephant and one of my uncles has a tattoo of him on his arm. It might take a few drinks but I'm sure if there was dancing involved ? I would hope I have more in common with some hindus than with some other christians.
Did you ever see the BBC program "extreme pilgrim" about the CofE vicar who went to india. He smoked a joint with a holy man and then paniced because he didnt know what was going on. The holy men all looked on and laughed - they didnt know what was going on either - but they were well ok with that. They told the worrisome vicar to keep his discipline but unfortunately he didnt know what that was....
I have a vague recollection of that. More worrying was the Paul merton series recently and what the holymen were doing with broom handles - if you dont know what I am referring to, think elephant carrying a tree trunk with it's trunk, then another elephant standing on the tree trunk - ouch! Infact, make that double ouch!
Could this be this related to the vicar in the guardian sex supplement last month - the one who had accidently sat on a potato and lodged it where i think you are suggesting the broomhandles go ?
Sounds interesting, but the holyman was wrapping a part of his anatomy aroung the handle and supporting Paul Merton with it. It was one of those things that makes you squirm
Sorry Bob, I thought I'd better delete that aeroplane comment in case any of the expected hordes of avid new readers are put off.
Look forward to catching up here though, who'd have thought some scripts about shepherds wearing tea towels cd attract such lively debate...
Bruce,
I can live with that - I would always prefer to respect the potential conscience of our world wide audience :)
Bob, i'm curious, email me the comment.
I do think censoring is anti freedom. Are christians so weak that they need to be protected from the real world? That reminds me, I've also found the holy ear plugs of Galilee. Christians may want to use them the next time the go into public incase any one says "jings" :-)
I only deleted it cos it was rather prominent at the top of the comments on the main blog page:)
I wouldnt get your hopes up Billy. I was merely continuing to divulge some of the anatomical feats of asian masters in language which was as indiscrete as the perfomance under discussion.
Bruce
I was wondering not what you thought of billy and I's most recent discussion - not the content but rather the means of discussion. Its not something I have the time to keep up - but even if I did I am not sure I would want to...
I'm concerned in these discussions that the context is lost in the content. I throughly respect some of billys methods of approaching knowledge - and I am sure they can be used fruitfully by christians.
Indeed in a personal context - One of my most respected colleagues is probably close to what billy calls a pragmatic sceptic and we have never had so much as a cross word.Its not something we would do. He is a disciplined buddhist ad Differences are treated with a mutual amusement - indeed we are usually the first to mock the limitations of our approaches.
I suppose I am concerned about is the idea that a "wider" christian way of thinking can appear smug or superior ( Billy would probably call this a more "delusional" way of thinking and he is entitled to his opinion ). I mean Isnt there that verse in the Isiaih which talks of not breaking a bruised reed or a smouldering flax. The tendancy in evangelism is to present an idea we already hold. How much can we rediscover about our tradition by simply listening ?
There is a sense in arguing with billy that he can think I disaprove of his methods - so much so i would want to take away his ability to play with them - or i am somehow ill at ease with him holding them. Christ's commands to be a children - I assume includes the ability to play and formulate ideas - as for his assertion not to judge how does this echo in argument ?
I think one danger with a big form is that we can think that we have it and we must try to hold onto it - even in argument - to denigrate and cast out what we think is the imperfect or incomplete. What we actually end up like is gollum teasing over a a "ring of power".
The gospel surely is a message of release from such abstractions -a message to trust and confidently explore our enviroment. As bear grylls puts it "it is about being held - about being loved - being forgiven"
As a front line soldier in the world of evangelism I wondered what you thought. I suppose it might be the parable of the sheep and the goats really - matthew 25:31-46. I've only been at this christian game for 20 odd years - Maybe I'm slow to catch on !
Religious language can easily twist us into thinking we are sharing a different world - the fairies start to appear ! - instead of realising we are sharing the same world under the illumination of a different language.
I've read the comments, I will ponder...
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