Sadly 'The Xmas Factor' idea - see 24 Nov post - had to be shelved; X Factor marketing not happy. So an alternative set of radio scripts for local Harrogate station Stray FM. Smith & Jones style, but using male and female voices. Revised 11/12 - as recorded.
1. Wrapping paper
A: Here, listen to this.
B: What's that then?
A: Guess how much wrapping paper we use in this country at Christmas?
B: No idea.
A: Eighty three SQUARE KILOMETRES. Apparently that’s enough to cover Scunthorpe four and a half times.
B: Blimey, I wonder if someone’s tried it.
A: Dunno. So why do people buy so much of the stuff?
B: Well it makes things look nicer don’t it, covers up the bad bits. Like Noel Edmonds' face on the cover of that new book of his.
A: S’ppose. But do you ever think under all this wrapping paper, we’re losing the true meaning of Christmas?
B: You mean the plot of the Doctor Who special?
A: No.
B: Birth of Santa?
A: Birth of JESUS silly.
B: Oh. Is that what it’s all about then?
2. Turkey
A: Here, listen to this.
B: What's that then?
A: Have you any idea how many turkeys this country eats at Christmas?
B: Not a clue. The missus gets through about five.
A: Well I’ll tell you. THIRTY MILLION.
B: Blimey, that’s enough to fill a small country. Gotta be a name for it.
A: Whatever - it’s a lot of birds.
B: Even more than your brother’s been out with.
A: Button it. Tell me though, what’s turkey got to do with the real meaning of Christmas?
B: You mean snow and Santa and that?
A: No, I mean the baby Jesus. There was shepherds, camels, maybe a donkey or two, but nothing about turkey - let alone Christmas pud.
B: Blimey, I hadn't thought of that. (pause) Mind you, I'm not sure Christmas has any meaning without Christmas pud.
3. Christmas cards
A: Here, listen to this.
B: What's that then?
A: How many Christmas cards do you think get sent in this country each year?
B: No idea. I never get any.
A: Well I’ll tell you: One point seven BILLION.
B: That’s an awful lot of penguins on skis. Oh well, plenty to go round at least. That, or someone's got a ruddy big mantelpiece.
A: Add to that all the e-cards and you’re talking silly numbers.
B: Yeah. Though I never thought of one point seven billion as a SENSIBLE number.
A: What I want to know is, with all these cards flying about, does anyone remember what it’s supposed to be all about?
B: You mean mince pies?
A: No.
B: Kittens in santa hats?
A: No, I mean the baby Jesus. And, you know, shepherds, angels, wise men and all that.
B: Oh. Wouldn't they look a bit funny in Santa hats?
4. Christmas trees
A: Here, listen to this.
B: What's that then?
A: D’you know how many Christmas trees we’ll put up this year?
B: Go on. Amaze me.
A: EIGHT MILLION.
B: Blimey, that’s a heck of a lot of paper going to waste.
A: And guess how much rubbish all those trees’ll make. TWELVE THOUSAND tons.
B: That's even more than you've got hidden under the bed. Mind you, it's the needles on the carpet’s what bothers me. Dreadful mess.
A: Yeah. D’you wanna know why we put Christmas trees up though?
B: No idea.
A: Well cos it’s evergreen, it's a reminder of the coming spring. Also, says here, it’s a sign of everlasting life with God.
B: Oh right. I’ll tell you what I wish had everlasting life. My vacuum cleaner.
5. Santa
A: Here, listen to this.
B: What's that then?
A: I’ve been reading some statistics about Santa getting round to see all those kids at Christmas.
B: Oh yeah?
A: Yeah. To give a medium sized lego set to every kid, he’d have to travel – wait for it – seventy five and a half million miles, going at six hundred and fifty miles a second, and pulling a sleigh of three hundred and fifty three thousand, four hundred and thirty tons. That’s four times as heavy as the Queen Elizabeth the Second.
B: She's put on some weight then.
A: The ship stupid.
B: Oh right. Anyway, sounds a liability. He must have ruddy good travel insurance.
A: Yeah.
B: But what’s this got to do with the real meaning of Christmas? You know, the baby Jesus and that.
A: Well, didn’t he come down to earth from heaven or something? That sounds like an awful long way.
B: Yeah. Mind you, I bet he didn’t have to bother about reindeer.
6. Cost
A: Here, listen to this.
B: What's that then?
A: D’you know how much the average household spends for Christmas Day? Nine hundred and twenty quid.
B: That’d buy you a few mince pies eh?
A: Yeah. Works out at one pound twenty eight p a minute.
B: That‘s almost as much as Jonathan Ross makes. When he’s employed.
A: Isn’t it a bit odd though that people spend so much money, when you think what Christmas is supposed to be all about?
B: What, you mean a new ipod?
A: No.
B: New boyfriend?
A: The baby Jesus stupid. God’s free gift to mankind.
B: Free gift to mankind? Blimey.
A: Amazing eh?
B: Yeah. (pause) I just hope it didn't take up too much wrapping paper.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
.JPG)
13 comments:
S’ppose. Tell me this though, do you ever think under all this wrapping paper, we’re losing the true meaning of Christmas?
What? the birth of Mithras and pagan rituals to bring back the sun - sorry, but you set that up :-)
I do agree that puting xmas paper on any book featuring noel edmonds on its cover would make it look prettier. Perhaps I should try that
I'm glad we can at least agree about Noel Edmonds, Billy!
Bruce,
The true meaning of christmas ? I was watching some you tube videos of carols and came across this arabic "carol" number :
http://uk.youtube.com/watch?v=MvjiVam2HO4
Interested to know what you think of this...
What? the birth of Mithras and pagan rituals to bring back the sun - sorry, but you set that up :-)
I was about to say the same thing...
The real trick for the Christian is to tell us what Dec 25th has to do with Christianity at all? They hijacked it, we should take Dec 25th back - back to what it truly means.
Getting drunk and eating too much
Lee
Hi Bruce,
I do like the style of the show though - good luck
Thanks Lee - and I've read your previous comments, sorry not to have been able to respond yet.
And I don't deny 25 Dec has very little to do with birth of JC. From what I've heard he was probably born in spring or autumn.
From what I've heard he was probably born in spring or autumn.
Is this based on the census of quirinius? (Problem is though that Luke and Matt disagree on the year). I think though this is part of the reason how christianity actually spread - by hijacking other festivals and creating saints to replace local pagan gods and godesses as the Roman empire expanded.
Lee, dont forget the Bond movie too.
As for Mithras, He was born on christmas day (before jesus) to a virgin. He was born in a stable and decended to the underworld on a saviour mission. His followers worshiped him with bread and wine and their headquarters were on vatican hill - sound familliar. Tertullian and Justin Martyr were familiar with the problem so they decided that satan created mithras be cause only satan would know about christianity in advance and be able to create an earlier false version to mimmic it. And fundamentalists say the gospels must be true because you just couldn't make that stuff up !!!!???
Bob, I just looked up the carol on youtube. Sadly no longer available.
strange
Try "Arabic Christmas Carol (Byzantine Hymn of the Nativity) " I just tried the link and it worked.
Its certainly a "bigger" approach to christmas than a jaunty little carol service at your local church - would be interested to see what you think about it with reference to "our needs as fish" - if you know what I mean...
Hi Bruce,
From what I've heard he was probably born in spring or autumn
The lambs on the hills suggest spring I am told... but this only tells you when a writer, many years later, thinks someone was born.
You would have thought and hoped that the most important person to ever walk the Earth (if you ignore that bit in Genesis about God walking on the Earth I think) would have a firmer birth date.
It suggests we know very little about the person. Come to think of it, after the birth, and the bit getting lost in the church at about 12 years – what do we know about the life of Jesus?
Since it is ‘obviously’ important that Jesus had a ‘full life on Earth’ (after all, God could have come down ‘fully formed’ like Adam and Eve)... you would have again thought we would know a little bit more about this important period.
Nothing again... hey ho.
Lee
Billy Lee, dont forget the Bond movie too.
I forgot about that... Don't think we get the bond movie at Xmas.
I've bought ‘The Great Escape' on DVD so I do not miss out on that classic
Lee
Hey Rob, yes it works now, I'll let ya know when I've watched it all...
The carol and images in the video are indeed beautiful Rob. Thanks.
Post a Comment