Tuesday 13 May 2008

The Apprentice

Updated 21 May...

A radio script idea based on the popular reality show.

Overview: Sir Alan assesses 3 apparently successful characters and finds them wanting, and a 4th who's less 'successful' but wins out on the character stakes.

(Intro music).

Receptionist: Sir Alan is ready for you now.

Clara (under her breath): Sir Alan is, like, God.

(ticking clock)

Alan Sugar (AS): Morning all of you.

All contestants: Morning Sir Alan.

AS: Clara, how did you feel the task went today?

C: I were really pleased Sir Alan. People call me ‘the Rottweiler’, and today, I literally – I think that’s the right word – I literally bit the heads off three of me team mates.

AS: I bet they loved you for that. Michael, what have you got to say for yourself?

Michael: Sir Alan, I would do absolutely anything to get this job. I would walk over hot coals backwards. In a nightie.

AS: Note that down Margaret. How about you Lucy?

Lucy: To be honest Sir Alan, I thought it was really difficult. In fact I think I fluffed it.

(scornful sounds from the others)

AS: Not very promising. However, today I’m gonna give you a slightly different take on things. (music up) Clara. You make Attila the Hun look like Little Bo Peep. Do you ever stop to think about people’s feelings?

C: Sir Alan, it’s dog eat dog out there.

AS: Oh is that right? Michael, what would you do to help someone else get a foot on the ladder?

M: Well Sir Alan, I can’t say I’ve really thought about it…

AS: (cuts in) Not very convincing. Lucy, you at least looked out for people; I like that. Clara, Michael. You’re very good at making a shed load of money. But what good’s a six figure salary if you’ve got to screw someone over to get it? I hate to disappoint you Clara: I’m not God. But maybe the man upstairs knows a thing or two when it comes to what really matters…. Lucy?

L: Sir Alan?

AS: The task was a bit of a shambles. But you took the flak. You cheered up your team mate when she was in pieces. Bottom line: you cared about someone else more than yourself. Lucy… you’re hired.

(Music fades out).

9 comments:

Billy said...

This is a strawman caricature of mankind. What are you actually hoping to achieve. I just hear a negative message here.

I could also throw the same accusation at god/jesus/christians about making the right noises about suffering and not delivering.

Hope you dont take it personally - a hard critic can be a blessing (in a purely non religious way of course :-) )

Bruce said...

You've got scarecrows on the brain again Billy. Note these are jottings, not a script. I'm sure if you put your mind to it you cd come up with some good lines for me :)

Billy said...

Note these are jottings, not a script. I'm sure if you put your mind to it you cd come up with some good lines for me :)


I probably shouldn't encourage you, but you could have yahweh firing all the other gods. (Then AS firing God).

AS "God, the planet is in a mess, earthquakes, tsunamis, disease, I hold you responsible. God, you're fired!"


Sorry, couldn't resist :-)

Anonymous said...

http://www.thejiggers.co.uk/gdb/offers/may_08/may_08.htm

Billy said...

Sorry Bruce, But I dont see how the apprentice where the emphasis is to award the performer ties in with your idea of what a person should do.

I'm going to play devil's advocate here, why should I care about anyone else? Why should I let people use me as a door mat?


I also wolud like to know how you reconcile the idea that you should trust god with your belief that people have free will

Bruce said...

Sorry not to have been forthcoming on this Billy. I'll post a comment responding soon I hope...

Anonymous said...

Hi Bruce

Your email's bouncing back! Can you email me or give me a call.

Blessings
Lorraine

Jonathan said...

It's all very quiet over here- still alive, Bruce? When's the Apprentice sketch airing?

Billy said...

I heard this on clyde 2 today. That's all I'm going to say :-) Maybe I should approach them to bring some balance.