The Apprentice

Updated 21 May...

A radio script idea based on the popular reality show.

Overview: Sir Alan assesses 3 apparently successful characters and finds them wanting, and a 4th who's less 'successful' but wins out on the character stakes.

(Intro music).

Receptionist: Sir Alan is ready for you now.

Clara (under her breath): Sir Alan is, like, God.

(ticking clock)

Alan Sugar (AS): Morning all of you.

All contestants: Morning Sir Alan.

AS: Clara, how did you feel the task went today?

C: I were really pleased Sir Alan. People call me ‘the Rottweiler’, and today, I literally – I think that’s the right word – I literally bit the heads off three of me team mates.

AS: I bet they loved you for that. Michael, what have you got to say for yourself?

Michael: Sir Alan, I would do absolutely anything to get this job. I would walk over hot coals backwards. In a nightie.

AS: Note that down Margaret. How about you Lucy?

Lucy: To be honest Sir Alan, I thought it was really difficult. In fact I think I fluffed it.

(scornful sounds from the others)

AS: Not very promising. However, today I’m gonna give you a slightly different take on things. (music up) Clara. You make Attila the Hun look like Little Bo Peep. Do you ever stop to think about people’s feelings?

C: Sir Alan, it’s dog eat dog out there.

AS: Oh is that right? Michael, what would you do to help someone else get a foot on the ladder?

M: Well Sir Alan, I can’t say I’ve really thought about it…

AS: (cuts in) Not very convincing. Lucy, you at least looked out for people; I like that. Clara, Michael. You’re very good at making a shed load of money. But what good’s a six figure salary if you’ve got to screw someone over to get it? I hate to disappoint you Clara: I’m not God. But maybe the man upstairs knows a thing or two when it comes to what really matters…. Lucy?

L: Sir Alan?

AS: The task was a bit of a shambles. But you took the flak. You cheered up your team mate when she was in pieces. Bottom line: you cared about someone else more than yourself. Lucy… you’re hired.

(Music fades out).