I want to think a bit more about this matter of engaging with people - yes, ok, in particular, women, who aren’t Christians. If I’m not honest and straight about my (evolving) thought about ‘controversial’ issues, as far as I can see what I write will lose interest. By exploring it, I reflect myself and may prompt someone else to.
I’ve got chatting with a woman who lives locally. An atheist. Let’s just think about the standard(?) christian response (it used to be mine). You can’t get too close to her, cos you’re going in different directions. Now hold on, let’s not get ahead of ourselves. Why did I get in touch with her in the first place? I want to connect with people locally. I feel it’d be a positive move to gain at least one or two more friends I can just meet up with for a drink. It’s a simple desire for friendship. And yes, being a straight bloke, there is an additional desire for female companionship.
Yes there is a tension here. The key change in my thinking is, why shut off a potential interesting friendship ‘cos she’s an atheist or not a christian’? another key thing is, in any early stages it’s JUST friendship. Heck it may not even get to that stage! It doesn’t mean I’m going to end up with her - I did say before I seek to submit all my relationships to my sense of God and his leading. There’s already though been just a hint of the positive potential of this kind of interaction. Her seeing I’m a thoughtful kind of person has, it wd seem, already softened her likely previous view that belief in God is just for nutters. Who knows what the positive impact on the other person’s life could be - or on mine?
As I say, this thread of thought is evolving so I hope anyone who reads it wd not misread or over-read or jump to conclusions about me! I’m just interested in exploring this kind of stuff and I think it's an interesting one to blog about.
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7 comments:
If she really thinks christianity is for nutters, I doubt you have changed her mind so easily.
Are you sure it's just friendship? You clearly want to present a "positive" image of christianity. If that is your main aim, then you are doomed.
Stephen law has a post that might be worth considering here and evaluating honestly
http://stephenlaw.blogspot.com/2010/09/tapescrew-letters.html
I'm going to have to agree with Billy on this one :) Especially because your blog seems a little defensive(sorry, just an observation--no one is judging). But you have to be honest about the fact that you're looking for a relationship and there is someone there. I think attraction, in the end, is much more basic than "do we have the same beliefs?" Relationship and attachment happens through sharing and caring--and if that is there--you can't think your way out of those feelings that follow ;) Been there, done that.
And I agree with Billy and Lisa! :) Attraction isn't a choice. And Bruce, the particular rules and assumptions of evangelical dating culture are very much not Revealed Truth. Bunnyboilers shagging around and getting away with, homophobes railing against those evil promiscous gays whilst simultaneously doing every single woman in the congregation,''pastors'' railing against (male) porn whilst being cool with female sex toys as the church needs to do more to appeal to today's woman etc etc - now *that's* a culture Christians should be counter to! And do you know a lot of evangelicals who date Catholics or the Orthodox, or does the 'only date other Christians rule' REALLY come down to 'only date people who are part of our middle-class happy-clappy subculture' ?
I'm sure you've heard of the astronomically high rates of actual sexual activity states that 'teach' abstinence? People laughed when Bill Clinton cited a literalist reading of scripture in his 'oral sex isn't sex' defence, but he was (strictly) correct (we all know what 'consumate' a marriage means). So scriptural literalism plus uncritical acceptance of evangmentalist cultural beliefs is a destructive mixture.
Christian ethics, however, surely preclude pretending not to fancy someone you do because you think she's hellbound! And one imagines that women can pick up on such thoughts. It sounds like you've already impacted positively on this women's view of Christianity, and (believe it or not) atheist women are not all attempting to lure innocent Christian boys into their evil lairs for a ravishing! ;) ;)
People laughed when Bill Clinton cited a literalist reading of scripture in his 'oral sex isn't sex' defence, but he was (strictly) correct (we all know what 'consumate' a marriage means).
So consumation and consumption are not the same :-)
Bruce, if you like her, you should go for it - if she sees that you are struggling with things, then that may doom any potential.
I don't know if you recall that I once gave up the possibility of someone I liked because she was not christian. That was one of several factors that caused me to lose my faith. Not that I'm trying to save your faith, I genuinely think you would be better without it, but I'd rather save you the distress this situation may cause you. It certainly caused me a lot of stress. On one side were folk quoting 2 Cor. 6:14 at me and on the other there were people telling me that I may convert her - it's all a load of rubbish - if you like her, do yourself a favour and do something about it. Life's too short to get up in this nonsense.
Most girls don't like indecisiveness and mixed messages.
Billy, that's B.S. And you know it! Attraction is simple. Relationship is not. In the end all those fun 'differences' create major problems as two people get closer. you must know that... and if faith is central to a person's life...there just ain't room for someone you love not sharing that.
Lisa, how is it BS? Also, the basic foundation of a relationship IS attraction - that's the springboard that allows a relationship to flourish.
I also don't recal talking about relationship vs attraction - perhaps you could point out where to me.
I know a couple of Christians married to non believers - one pair for over 40 years. Evangelicals also have the highest divorce rates. If you want to take the bible as a source of authority on the subject (which I dont) believers are told NOT to divorce their non believing spouses. If you love someone enough, it wont matter. If you dont, it will be a problem.
If you click, you click. I think it's closed minded to assume that a christian could not grow "spiritually" in a "mixed" relationship.
"Attraction isn't a choice"
Sounds very weak minded cerebus - hardly fitting to your latin roots.
I would say that if god is a god of wholeness or holiness then what is whole and complete is godly - an athiest and a thiest could be a more productive marraige than the cognitive incest of a bible belt hook ups.
I think the only thing jesus really says about this is something like what god has joined together let no man put asunder - so the question is what is joined together - what is welded in the echo of the infinite ?
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